Harsh Truths about Mental Illness, Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness

Mental health should always be a priority.

As I sit down to write this post, my head is all over the place and has been for quite some time. There are so many things I want to say, things I need to say, but the words don't usually come out. It isn't because I can't speak publicly, I conquered that fear many years ago even though I am still a bundle of nerves before every presentation. The silence stems from a place of fear. And if you have ever been afraid of something, truly afraid, then you know fear can be a crippling thing. What is there to be afraid of? Everything and nothing, all at the same time. Those suffering from one or more mental illnesses can more than likely relate. Most folks would answer with nothing because the outcome will be what it is. Logically I know this too, but the 'mental' part of me screams to stay silent because of everything that could go wrong.

That being said, I guess it's time for some harsh truths about mental illness, life, love, and the pursuit of happiness as the title of this blog would suggest. If I skip around a bit, please bear with me, as there are a lot of 'tabs' currently open in my brain and I am flitting between many of them at any given time. I have several draft posts started about specific subject matter (aka certain mental health disorders) so I won't go into great detail regarding those in this post but I may touch on certain things as it relates to the subject at hand and some might not make as much sense as they should until the post on Borderline Personality Disorder is completed. So let's get to it....those harsh truths that is.

Harsh Truth #1 - My current disorders (yes that's plural).

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is a critical diagnostic tool by which healthcare providers will diagnose an individual with a mental health condition. This manual lists not only the names of the disorders but also their descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria needed for diagnosis. The DSM roles up to or updates the codes listed in the ICD-11. The World Health Organization (WHO) originally developed and annually updates the ICD-11 which stands for the International Classification of Diseases 11th Division. As stated on their website, the ICD-11 sets the international standard for systematic recording, reporting, analysis, interpretation, and comparison of mortality and morbidity data.

Based on a careful evaluation from my own health care provider utilizing these diagnostic tools, I was diagnosed with the following disorders:

F41.1 Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

F40.01 Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder

F33.2 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent Severe Without Psychotic Features (MDD)

F43.12 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic (PTSD)

F60.3 Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I couldn't just deal with one disorder, I had to get the gold star and have five of them. Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry. Humor isn't always the best medicine but it is often times used as a defense mechanism. If I make a joke out of my disorders or I can laugh at them, they must not be that bad, right? If only it were that simple and truly they are nothing to joke about.

Sadly enough, as I have mentioned in other posts, stigmas are still alive and well. Talking about mental illness, let alone having one is considered taboo. We don't need you to tell us there is something wrong with us or that we are inherently bad because we have a mental illness. Chances are likely, we tell ourselves that at least a dozen times a day. Showing understanding and patience will go a long way toward putting someone with a mental illness at ease. I recognize that it isn’t an easy thing to do.

Harsh Truth #2 - No one fakes a mental illness.

As I was scrolling through Pinterest, a particular post caught my eye as I am always on the lookout for articles and posts related to the content I provide on this site as well for my own knowledge (and benefit). The post started with: People don't fake a mental illness, they fake being "okay".

I can't imagine that anyone suffering from a mental illness, myself included, is happy they have one. If we tell you about it, it isn't because we are bragging or we're proud of it, it's to let you know that there is an underlying reason for the way we are and why we do and say the things we do.

No one fakes a mental illness, they fake being “okay”.

Some mental health disorders are much more difficult to "live with" than others. Borderline personality disorder and PTSD are two such disorders. Some would even argue that BPD is one of the most painful mental health disorders to live with. Now imagine having them both at the same time in addition to the other ones listed above. As they say, the struggle is real. And by real, I mean it's brutal most days.

Yet regardless of how we feel on the inside, we almost always project that we are okay on the outside. If you ask us how we're doing, we are going to say we're okay. Or we will say something to the effect that, "It's been difficult, but it is what it is." We will downplay whatever chaos is going on inside. Why do we do this? I think there are several reasons for that.

These reasons are in no particular order as I feel they equally apply and it certainly isn't exhaustive of all the reasons I could list. First and foremost, we don't ever want to be labeled as a burden to anyone else, especially our loved ones. In addition, not everyone believes in mental illness or wants to talk about it (stigmas at their finest). Quite frankly, people just don't care because they are only concerned with themselves (not that this is wrong). And lastly, many feel those with mental illnesses are intentionally creating drama or attention-seeking when nothing could be farther from the truth.

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them." – Joubert Botha

Harsh Truth #3 - Yes, we are over it too.

This hard truth is exactly as it reads. If we could bold, underline, and exclamation point it a dozen times over, we would. We are just as aggravated with our disorder(s) on any given day as you are. We feel your frustration and then multiply it with our own. If we could 'just get over it' we would. If we could 'just leave the past in the past' we would. If we could 'just choose to think positive' we would. And if we could 'just be happy' we would. A BPD and PTSD brain doesn’t function that way.

It's one of the reasons someone with a mental health disorder will tell you they are 'fine' when you ask them how they are doing even though we are almost always never fine. We have raging emotions that feel more times than not, out of control or unmanageable. Chances are likely you will never see the inner turmoil unless it has gotten so extreme it bubbles to the surface and spills over.

I cannot speak for other sufferers, but I can tell you from my perspective I hate, and I mean hate, feeling like a failure. And having these disorders equates to failure for me. It doesn't matter that most if not all of them were a product of the years of trauma I experienced as a child. Logically, I know that; I am a smart woman, capable of anything I strive for, yet I cannot get my mind to agree with what I know to be true. It's as if there is an internal battle that's fought every single day, and some days I win that battle, and some days I don't.

Just know we are so over it too. It's exhausting, fighting that war, pretending all the time that we're okay when we aren't. So I can only imagine how annoying and bothersome it is for you to have it hear us talk about it time and time again. (This is how my brain sees things.) And again, we don't want to burden you with our issues or perceived drama.

We know our mental illness can be a challenge for you. It certainly is for us.

Harsh Truth #4 - Please know we are doing the best we can.

Most importantly, we want you to know that we are doing the very best that we can. We want to be 'normal.' Whatever each person's definition of normal is anyway. We are working hard every day, fighting an invisible fight against our own worst critic.... ourselves.

Love us at our best, but also love us at our worst. Your support may be what keeps us going some days. We may do our best to try and push you away but don't let us. Know that we are trying to control our volatile emotions (thank you BPD), and it is never our intention to hurt you. Or at least it isn't my intention. I say this knowing that I have said things and acted out in a way that hurt a few of the people closest to me and a couple of those relationships have never fully recovered. My heart still breaks. With BPD and even PTSD, everything is magnified so the shame and heartache of losing the closest female friendship I have ever had runs deep.

It took me a long time to finally seek the help I needed in an effort to learn how to manage my disorders. Although I always knew I had PTSD, it would be over 25 years later before I received my other diagnoses. And finding the right professional for guidance can and will mean all the difference (I'm still working on that one). Having gone through a few not-so-good ones can put someone who is already struggling in a pretty bad place. So much so that they have an intense fear of having to share their deepest, darkest, and most painful thoughts with someone new. What if they aren't the right fit and you have to start all over again? The cycle is too much. This is how our brains function.

Good News is It's Not All Bad

I know it's overwhelming, getting through even the most mundane of challenges every day. They can seem insurmountable but you are stronger than you realize. I am stronger than I realize. No matter my struggle, I have always had faith. Faith that I will learn how to manage my disorders and be in a better place than I am right now in this moment. Faith that I will be able to form strong bonds with the people that matter most to me and I won't have the desire to push them away. Faith that I won't love my life only some of the time but I'll love my life all of the time.

Taking care of your mental health isn’t being selfish or shameful. Make it your priority to find the right healthcare provider and treatment plan that works for you. You should never feel as though you have to face those challenges alone.

Be positive. Think positive. It's something I hear often. I certainly do my best. It's not for lack of trying. As the graphic above states, we are unlearning many destructive behaviors while trying to learn healthy ones we were never taught.

Life is hard and it's messy. It's not meant to be easy; it's meant to be lived. With that comes the good, the bad, and the ugly. Luckily, I have an amazing support system in my family who never lose their faith in me and it gives me more strength than they can fathom. I pray you find your FP (favorite person or people) who can do the same for you.

Note: Look for my upcoming post on Borderline Personality Disorder as it will take a deeper dive into some of the content listed in this post and add context for understanding. Although that post should have been completed first from a knowledge perspective, this one was more important personally.