Things We Want You to Know and Several We Don’t - Sincerely, Someone with Bipolar Disorder

Rapid Cycling Bipolar (aka my diagnosis)

As someone who’s been diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, I felt compelled to do as much research as I could about the disorder that has become a large part of my life. It isn’t as if it wasn’t always there, but now that my therapist has put a name to it, so many of the actions and behaviors throughout my life make more sense.

That said, there isn’t much you can’t find on the internet these days. If you haven’t read my previous post Life with Bipolar Disorder, it discusses what bipolar is, how it's diagnosed, the different types of bipolar, and more so you may want to check it out first.

While researching this disorder, I found a common theme among many of the articles and memes. The majority of them talk about what someone with bipolar wants you to know or what not to say to someone with bipolar. Many of them are, in fact, pretty spot on. Case in point, the meme below refers to what NOT to say to someone with bipolar.

What Not to Say to Someone With Bipolar Disorder

I especially like numbers 4 and 9 above. I myself was guilty of saying, 'You are so bipolar' on more than one occasion. Now that I am one of those people, I can see how it would be offensive to those of us who do suffer from the disorder. It is so much more than mood swings here and there. If only it were that simple.

So I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and share my list of things I wish people knew about bipolar along with several things I don’t necessarily want them to know (but they probably should know anyway).

Thing #1 - We are scared of our symptoms too.

I can only imagine how scary it can be, watching a loved one go through bipolar episodes. The highest of highs and lowest of lows. When we are having a manic or hypomanic episode we often times feel as if we need little to no sleep, lose touch with reality, and/or perform at top capacity during a crisis. But with every high comes the low.

When our state was hit with back-to-back hurricanes just this year, I went into crisis control mode as I have done every time before. Calm, cool, and collected, doing whatever needed to be done in order to make it out the other side with minimal to no damage (from the hurricane that is). But once the ‘danger‘ passed, my brain and body shut down. It sank into a lower-than-usual low, running at top capacity for so long can and will do that.

"We have no idea just what we are capable of in either type of episode."

All that to say we don’t understand why or how it happens either. We don’t get why we (and our brains) are this way. And quite frankly, there are times when our symptoms terrify us too. We have no idea just what we are capable of in either type of episode. We can go from caring too much to not at all in such a short time span that it’s strange AND scary if I’m being honest.

Thing #2 - We don't like our impulsivity anymore than you do.

One of the more significant symptoms of bipolar disorder is impulsivity. But what does that mean exactly? Impulsivity is indicated by a tendency to act quickly with no thought for the consequences of one's actions. It typically manifests as risky decision-making, excessive spending, reckless behavior, promiscuity, and suicide attempts.

This one is a sore spot for me as it is for others, I’m sure. If for no other reason than it’s one of those things we know is wrong yet we still do it. We are compelled, without thinking, to take some action regardless of the havoc it could or will wreak. It’s as if our brains are wired to say ‘That’s a really, really bad/stupid idea, how soon can we do it?’

And then we proceed to do whatever impulsive thing our brain has locked in on. And quite honestly, there isn’t always a warning that you are about to do something incredibly stupid or risky.

For me, it usually borders on risky decision-making (running late at night in an unfamiliar city with a prevalent homeless population), reckless behavior (passing all those cars at once isn’t a great idea, what??), and excessive spending (it’s not time to start a new hobby that requires all new supplies?)

Thing #3 - We genuinely don’t need a reason to be upset.

General feelings of unhappiness, zero to a hundred rages, and/or uncontrollable crying. Yes, I have done all of these things. Just this morning in fact, I experienced the last one. I couldn’t tell you WHY I was upset, just that I was, which promptly turned into me balling on the phone much to the dismay of the individual on the other end of the line.

There wasn’t anything catastrophic that happened to cause such a reaction. The world wasn’t ending. I didn’t just lose a loved one. Yet the tears kept coming and I was at a loss on how to stop them. There was no pulling me out of that moment until my brain was ready to let me go and settle back down.

So when I say there is no rhyme or reason to it, I mean it. Sometimes there is literally NO SPECIFIC REASON for the upset. Granted there are plenty of times when someone just looks at me sideways or I’ve missed a deadline or goofed something up and I’ve gotten just as upset. But the level of ‘bipolar’ upset versus someone without it are two different things entirely.

Thing #4- Acting is our specialty.

We should have been actors because if I had to hazard a guess, 90-95% of people you’ve met that have bipolar will always answer the proverbial question, how are you, with ‘I’m fine.’

We do our best to act as if nothing is wrong because it’s much easier than the alternative. Trying to explain how we are feeling can sometimes be impossible. So we ‘act’ as if nothing is bothering us and we are as ‘normal’ as the next person.

Ironically, I recall saying many, many times in my youth that I should have been an actor because if I didn’t want you to know something was wrong, you would never have known. It could be why the abuse I went through from a family member for the better part of six years was never discovered until I finally reached my breaking point. I spent years pretending or acting if you will. Apparently, I was much better at it than I realized.

Thing #5 - We’re normal people too.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve said, ‘I just wish I was normal.” I’m fairly certain I say it to my therapist on a weekly basis. Her reply to me this past week gave me pause. She asked me, “What is normal anyway? What is normal to you?”

I had to stop and think about that one. I don’t know that I have ever truly been ‘normal’ or what that even means at this point. But as the title of this section dictates, we are normal people too.

That is to say, we do the same things as everyone else. We work, we play, we worry, we celebrate, we have fun, we hurt, we get sick, and so on. Our brains just process some things a little differently. You could say we are a little ‘extra’ sometimes.

Thing #6 - We become specialists when it comes to our disorders/diagnoses.

As I mentioned earlier, when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar, I spent many nights researching my disorder. I wanted to understand how one was diagnosed , what the symptoms were, various treatment methods, and more.

I didn’t do this because I wanted to ‘wear’ bipolar like a fashion accessory but rather because I wanted to be able to ask intelligent questions about my disorder. How do I explain it to my loved ones? What is the best course of treatment? Does it ever go away? Can I be cured? How do I recognize when I’m sliding into an episode?

I’m know there are those that try to wear it like an accessory, those who use it as an excuse when the occasion suits, or even those who live in denial because there is no way they could ever have a mental illness.

But in a world where mental illness is still severely stigmatized, it's important that we become our own advocates. We know ourselves better than anyone. If we don't do our homework, how will we know what to believe? How will we learn to manage our disorders? How will we get over the fears having this mental illness instills in us?

Fears of a Bipolar Person

Thing #7 - We know more about suicide than we care to admit.

Sadly, this is something that everyone with bipolar has more than likely thought about a multitude of times. If you've read my previous blog Life or Something Like It, you know that statistically speaking, 15-20% of individuals who suffer from bipolar will commit suicide. Individuals with rapid cycling bipolar are 10-20 times more likely to commit suicide. Individuals with comorbidities (including bipolar) increase to 25-60%. Hence, we've thought about it. We've thought about how we would do it. We've thought about when we would do it. We've thought about why we would do it.

We aren't the type to have a bad day, say we can't take it anymore, and then just end it all regardless of the consequences that are left behind. It's rather like being worn down over time with the cycling of highs and lows and knowing that bipolar is something we will carry with us forever. There is no escaping it and when you are low, you can be so low that it would seem there is no other way of ending the constant pain and chaos you feel.

I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I would never end my life that way regardless of how bad it might seem at the time. I've been through the best of times and the worst of times and it was during those worst of times I prayed to the Lord every night that He would end my suffering and let me die in my sleep. (The sweet desperation of one so young yet tortured). Every morning I woke, it was a new day to start over, to hope for a better day than the one I had previously. After all, there must be a reason I am still here.

But it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it.

Thing #8 - We have no idea what we are doing when it comes to living our lives.

We would love to be able to say we have it all figured out, but we don’t. It doesn’t mean we aren’t working hard at it. But like everyone else, we are doing the best we can and making do with what we’ve got. Sure there are plenty of resources, in most cases, that can help us muddle along but we would rather be thriving.

It takes time to figure that stuff out and just when you think you have a handle on it, something else comes along and throws a giant monkey wrench into the whole mix. Truth be told, I don’t know that I would even want to have it all together. Where would the fun in that be? The road less traveled and all.

I am fairly certain that I have learned more from the mistakes I’ve made in life than I ever did from the times everything went smoothly from beginning to end. It’s not to say I want to always face adversity, but challenges are what make us who we are. It teaches us to grow and to learn and to do better the next time.

Insights into a Bipolar Person

There are certainly many more things I could add to this list but these were the ones that resonated with me the most. Hopefully, they have provided you some insight into how someone with bipolar thinks (and feels), especially as it relates to our disorder.

I’m pretty sure no one wakes up one day and says, I hope today’s the day I am diagnosed with a mental illness. Phrases like ‘you’re so bipolar’ and ‘it must be my ADHD’ are overused like my favorite pair of earrings but I’m certain if they knew what it really meant to have either one of those things they would not be so casual with their words.

If there is something you think I’ve missed or that you feel would make a good addition to the items above, drop a comment below. Hope to hear from you soon!