Life with Bipolar Disorder: A Personal Journey towards Healing

As I sit down to write about bipolar disorder, I am reminded of the phrases ‘what are you, bipolar or something’ along with ‘omg, you are so bipolar’. Phrases like these were commonplace in my youth when dealing with someone who was difficult or appeared to be happy one minute and then angry or sad the next. Sadly, what was once considered a joke or said wholly without malice would most certainly not be the case today. As someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I have experienced a wide range of emotions. Regardless of the highs or lows I have experienced, I am at the very least thankful to finally have a reason for some of the challenges I’ve faced.

If you read my previous post The Layman’s Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, you’ll recall that it was initially thought that I had Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short. BPD closely mirrors many of the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder but after many discussions with my therapist, she determined that I should have been diagnosed with bipolar rather than BPD. Bipolar II with rapid cycling to be more precise.

The Two Faces Bipolar

What is Bipolar Disorder?

According to Psychiatry.org, bipolar disorder, often referred to as manic depression, is a mental illness characterized by periodic, intense emotional states affecting a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. These periodic emotional states are called mood episodes. Mood episodes, lasting anywhere from a few days to several weeks, cycle between manic/ hypomanic and depressive states.

What are the diagnostic criteria for manic/hypomanic episodes versus depressive episodes? Let's take a look at the diagnostic criteria found in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition).

Diagnostic criteria for a manic/hypomanic state include at least three of the following (four if the mood is irritable) for at least four consecutive days:

• Inflated self-esteem or feelings of grandiosity

• Decreased need for sleep or ability to function on little to no sleep

• More talkative than usual

• Racing thoughts or flight of ideas

• Distracted easily

• Increase in goal-directed activities

• Excessive involvement in activities that have potentially painful consequences (spending sprees, driving recklessly, sexual indiscretions)

Diagnostic criteria for a depressive state include the presence of at least five of the following daily or nearly every day for a two-week timeframe:

• Depressed mood most of the day, every day or almost every day

• Lack of interest or pleasure in most or all activities

• Weight loss or weight gain

• Insomnia or hypersomnia

• Psychomotor agitation or retardation

• Loss of energy (fatigue)

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

• Lack of concentration or indecisiveness

• Suicidal ideation or thoughts of death without a specific plan

  
  

Unfortunately, these shifting moods can be disruptive to daily life, affecting everything from personal relationships to work performance. In some cases, they may be so disruptive that it is impossible to accomplish everyday tasks at all.

There are three main types of bipolar disorder: Bipolar I, Bipolar II and Cyclothymic (Cyclothymia) disorder. Now let’s explore each of these disorder types in greater detail.

The Three Main Types of Bipolar Disorder

• Bipolar I Disorder : This type involves manic episodes that last for at least 7 days or are severe enough to require immediate hospital care. Depressive episodes also occur, typically lasting for 2 weeks.

  
  

• Bipolar II Disorder : In this type, the individual experiences both depressive and hypomanic episodes, which are less severe than full-blown manic episodes.

  
  

• Cyclothymic Disorder (Cyclothymia) : This type is characterized by numerous episodes of hypomania and depression that last for at least 2 years (1 year in children and adolescents).

The Different Types of Bipolar Disorder

Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder

Rapid cycling bipolar disorder is something that I have personally struggled with on a constant basis. Rapid cycling involves four or more mood episodes within a year, switching between mania, hypomania, depression, and mixed states. One of the challenges of rapid cycling bipolar according to WebMD is that 'a single mood episode can sometimes simply wax and wane without resolving’. Additionally, individuals who rapid cycle spend more time in a depressive state rather than a manic or hypomanic one.

Rapid cycling can be challenging to manage but with the right treatment and support, it is possible to stabilize mood swings and lead a fulfilling life. Still working on this part.

What Having Bipolar Means to Me

For me, having bipolar disorder means navigating a rollercoaster of emotions that can change at the drop of a hat. It means learning to embrace the highs (or mania) for the creative energy and I-can-do-anything attitude it provides while managing the lows (depression) with patience and self-care. The second part of this equation will always be the hardest to manage. Trying to describe the daily internal struggle can be excruciatingly painful. While most people experience some form of hypomania or depression at some point in their life, it isn't necessarily a living breathing part of them, day in and day out. If often times feels like this heavy blanket that covers me that I can never seem to throw off entirely. I can remove parts of it at times, but it's always there. In my research, I came across the National Library of Medicine website which contains the article On madness: a personal account of rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

I see so much of myself in these words. Various parts I have written myself, many times before, in my own journal. I have jokingly mentioned that at any given time, I have 50 'tabs' open in my brain (at all times) and I flit between them constantly, like a hummingbird that moves from flower to flower, never able to stop for longer than a minute in one place. No one is harder on us than we are on ourselves. The feelings of worthlessness and blaming oneself will always be one of the loudest voices in our heads. It's hard to overcome years of learned behaviors and a specific way of thinking. To tell the voice that says we aren’t good enough, that it's not true.

I am going to take a moment to be super frank..... When I look back on the last several years of my life, when things have been at their worst, when I have been at my worst, it has shown me that not everyone will have your back. There were times when I begged for help, I stressed that my mental health was suffering and that I was at my breaking point. It was at that time, one of my lowest points, that my mental health issues were used against me. You may lose a loved one, lose a job, lose a person you thought would always be there for you, or even lose parts of yourself you never thought you would lose. The Bipolar part of my brain tells me that people don't want to hear that you have this mental health disorder because you are the bad guy in their story and it's easier to say you were a bitch that got what you deserved and move on.

Then the other side of me rationalizes that through this process, it wasn't me, or at least it wasn't all me and I did find that I already have an amazing support system in my family and several new friends I've made along the way. They accept that I will have really great days and some not-so-great days and they love and accept me regardless. So if making me the bad guy in some folk's story makes them feel better then I truly hope they are happy (bipolar side talking again). Living with bipolar disorder has taught me resilience, empathy, and the importance of self-awareness. It has shown me that mental health is just as important as physical health and that seeking treatment and support is not only vital in managing my condition but also a sign of strength I didn't think I had.

Mental Health Awareness

Having a mental illness, especially one as difficult as Bipolar doesn’t mean our lives are over or that we are doomed to a miserable life. Like anything, it will require seeking the right treatment, having a great support system and hard work and dedication on our part to manage the disorder, stabilize those mood episodes, and lead a long fulfilling life. I say this knowing that statistically, 8 to 20 percent of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide and that individuals with rapid cycling bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than someone without this disorder.

This is why it is so critical, in a world where mental health still carries such a stigma, to raise awareness about conditions like bipolar disorder. By sharing our stories, advocating for mental health resources, and promoting understanding and empathy, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for those living with mental health conditions.

A Bipolar Person's Worst Fears

Embracing the Journey

My journey with bipolar disorder has been marked by highs and lows, successes and setbacks, but through it all, I have learned to embrace the person I am, with all my complexities and imperfections. I’d like to say I’m managing it great and I’m on the road to becoming a happier, healthier version of me but I’m not there yet. It’s hard putting yourself out there, putting all of this out there but if it helps just one other person not feel alone in what they are going through, it will have been worth it, I think.

I will not let my Bipolar disorder be a limitation but rather a part of who I am, shaping my tiny view of the world, my creativity, and my resilience. As I continue to navigate the twists and turns of my mental health journey, I am grateful for the support of loved ones, the guidance of mental health professionals, and the strength I find within myself.

So here's to embracing the highs, riding out the lows, and working towards a brighter, more empathetic future for everyone living with bipolar disorder and other mental health conditions. Please remember that you are not alone. You matter. Your journey is valid. And I am always more than willing and ready when you need someone to listen.

Stay resilient. Stay strong. Stay hopeful. Stay true to yourself.